Pun this, and more....

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Post by melodiccolor on Sun May 11, 2008 11:42 pm

Twin Skunks

A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"


(here it comes....)


"In stinkt."
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Post by Rivershine on Sun May 11, 2008 11:48 pm

Neutral

Good lord, you're on a roll with these bad jokes today, aren't you? First you email me that bad cinco de mayo joke. Now this. I know what I shall do.....I shall have my revenge and....AND.....Post the poodle video!!!! Bwahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Twisted Evil
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Post by melodiccolor on Sun May 11, 2008 11:52 pm

Go right ahead... Laughing and rolling

Since I've been offering to do just that, it isn't much of a threat! In the meantime, I'll just keep hunting down more of these things. lol! laughing big grin
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Post by reb on Mon May 12, 2008 8:25 am

as the mother fly told the baby fly ''speck not'

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Post by melodiccolor on Mon May 12, 2008 7:19 pm

Spooky Photograph

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost decended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

What a Face
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Post by Reamsie on Mon May 12, 2008 8:43 pm

Pretty good so far. Very Happy Very Happy

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
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Post by melodiccolor on Mon May 12, 2008 9:22 pm

Laughing Shocked What a Face And we're off..... mrgreen

Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment. whee!
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Post by reb on Tue May 13, 2008 8:24 am

LOL! i read that tiger book about the maneaters of 'mumblesomething'...this reminds me of that...hair raising (no, Strawberry, not a comment directed at your hair! lol!)
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Post by melodiccolor on Tue May 13, 2008 2:42 pm

Rich Lepers

In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn's men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'huns', these warriors were known as Kahn's men, or simply, Kahns. When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried.

Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.

And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland - the leper Kahn's and their pots of gold.

Cunning though diseased, the Kahns were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots".
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Post by Reamsie on Tue May 13, 2008 8:34 pm

Ok, here goes today's:

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
Shocked Shocked Shocked
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Post by melodiccolor on Tue May 13, 2008 8:45 pm

OoO... Laughing
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Post by melodiccolor on Wed May 14, 2008 3:50 pm

Hopkins the Weatherman

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. But in the interview for the post, they asked him the one question he was dreading: "What was the reason for you leaving your last job?"

Hopkins replied, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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Post by Reamsie on Wed May 14, 2008 7:34 pm

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
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Post by melodiccolor on Wed May 14, 2008 7:42 pm

lol! whee!
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Post by melodiccolor on Thu May 15, 2008 4:54 pm

Today's installment:

Coffee Complaint

A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he find that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.
The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant - "But it's exactly what you asked for", he says.
"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I ordered?"
"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.
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Post by Reamsie on Thu May 15, 2008 6:38 pm

Good one Melodic. Ok, now my contribution for the day and one that every HSP should take to heart and hang on the fridge:

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY ..... IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS!!
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Post by melodiccolor on Thu May 15, 2008 7:37 pm

Soooo true! That one is making rounds. Laughing mrgreen
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Post by melodiccolor on Fri May 16, 2008 4:52 pm

Food at the Races

The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered

whee!
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Post by Reamsie on Fri May 16, 2008 7:15 pm

Ok, this one is pretty bad, but here goes:

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”

Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tocktick -tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.’”

The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”
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Post by melodiccolor on Fri May 16, 2008 7:43 pm

That WAS bad! big grin
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Post by melodiccolor on Sat May 17, 2008 9:07 pm

Fetching Cotton

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
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Post by melodiccolor on Sun May 18, 2008 11:14 pm

Today's installment: big grin

Demoted Policeman
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike.
"Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover
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Post by melodiccolor on Mon May 19, 2008 8:13 pm

Grizzled Scientists
A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.
They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.
Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded......

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."
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Post by Reamsie on Mon May 19, 2008 8:30 pm

Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball, he loved the Yankees.

He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat to be had. Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers behind the flagpole.

Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn't need a plane. Well, Jose, they asked when he returned, "How was it?"

Jose raved. The stadium, the game, the Yankees and, oh yes, most of all the fans.....They were so friendly, so concerned about him that it was unbelievable. "Can you imagine it? Before the game began, they all stood up and turned, looked at me and sang,.....

...... "Jose? Can you see?"!
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Post by melodiccolor on Tue May 20, 2008 4:27 pm

Laughing

Hmmm, it seems only Reamsie and I are reading or contributing to this thread. I hope I am wrong. INFP, I seem to recall, once upon a time on another thread on another forum you contributing much mayhem....how about joining in once again? whee! And you others?

I'll wait a bit for people to catch up before I start adding again to the collection. Wink
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Post by Logan (Earthmaiden) on Tue May 20, 2008 4:55 pm

And you others?

I just ain't that much into puns.

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Post by melodiccolor on Thu May 22, 2008 12:19 am

Logan wrote:
And you others?

I just ain't that much into puns.

but you were enough to read this thread. Razz Wink Laughing
*******

Coral Reef Fishes

It's well known that some species of fish on the coral reef have adapted to be able to survive the poisonous sea anemone's sting, which gives them a safe place to hide from predators.
What isn't so well known is the story of the single fish that decided to be different. One day he swam away from his pretective anemone, in search of some other hiding place.
A first, he swam into a small crevace in the rock, but he very quickly swam out of there, chased by an eel. Then he decided he could hide inside a shell, so he found a nice big one that he liked, but had to retreat from the crab that had got there before him.
Finally, exhaused, he swam into the coral beds, and hid among the brilliant coloured fern-like fronds of the corals.
The next day, when he hadn't come back to the anemone, some of the other fish decided to go out and look for him. The hunted everywhere for him, but they couldn't find him. Eventually, just as they had given up, they heard him calling to them. They looked around, but they couldn't see him anywhere - he was perfectly hidden by the coral.
Finally, he showed himself, and they tried to persuade him to come back home, but he refused - the coral was too good a hiding place to leave.
"After all," he said, "with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
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Post by melodiccolor on Sat May 24, 2008 4:12 pm

Sherlock Holmes and the Mysterious Painting

Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting.
At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.
"What is it?" asked Watson in awe.
"It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes
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Post by melodiccolor on Mon May 26, 2008 8:05 pm

Here's two good ones:

Shocking Truth About The Family Tree

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included Senators, Pastors, and Wall Street wizards.
Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.
When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock."

The Sailor and the Seagull

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.
Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.
The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
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Post by melodiccolor on Fri May 30, 2008 4:51 pm

This one was sent to me by Reb: big grin

DETAILS, DETAILS...

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of
her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
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