Learning to trust yourself again

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default Learning to trust yourself again

Post by Riana on Mon Dec 24, 2012 9:36 am

When dark clouds are hanging above our heads, itís easy to get lost in all the things we are lacking, that are not going our way. But I have noticed something strange, and yet completely natural: there is a kind of beauty and light that can only be born out of descending to the deepest depths of our being where all is dark and muddy.
The lessons we face there cannot be learned in any other place. The mind will not be of any use to us there either, for we have entered the territory of the Soul.

When I watch sad movies, my attention is focused on the beautiful moments, the moments where the characters step out of their comfort zone to bring light to those who are suffering. Even if the ending is an unhappy one, no one can erase those acts of love that have been offered, and stand out like a torch in the dark.
Life is not against us, but it wonít allow us to stay in our comfort zone for too long either. We are always changing and growing, and sometimes we go through heavy challenges, yes. Itís a mistake to think that no one knows what you are going through or that you are alone. This only leads to bitterness and feeling defeated.
We have all known suffering, and as a result, we have often build walls around our heart, in an attempt to become less feeling, less easily hurt. We all pretend we are fine. We are afraid to reach out to others and connect, for we expect a slap in the face instead. I have been no different.

How can we gently break down those walls? Should we just go back to trusting others unconditionally?
Well, if you look at the wound a little closer, itís actually about not trusting ourselves. We are afraid to get hurt, because we do not trust that weíll be able to cope with the hurt and walk away if the situation so requires. So the answer lies in trusting ourselves, our strength, our heart, our instincts. When we trust in ourselves, we will also have a healthy trust in others, but not a naieve or unconditional one. We will notice little clues about the other person, and we will increase or lessen our trust as our relationship with the other person deepens. We will be strong enough to leave if we have to, and not make it about us or what we did wrong. Of course a relationship of any kind goes both ways, but itís not your job to take on all the responsibility when a relationship comes to an end, which is something that low self-esteem often makes us do.

How can we increase our trust in ourselves? By showing up for ourselves every single day. Itís not enough to make the intention once. Every day we need to take care of our needs and pay attention to our inner climate. When someone asks something of us that we donít want to do or are not able to do, we need to learn to say no, in a friendly but resolute way. Thatís how inner trusts grows. We have been through different situations, and we know that we are able to stand our ground and be there for ourselves. This also requires getting to know ourselves better, for how can you take care of your needs if you donít know what they are? How can you have boundaries if you donít know what your values are? Knowledge of the Self goes hand in hand with inner trust. And of course, most importantly: loving yourself. Loving every single tiny aspect of yourself, until you feel that you deserve respect and care, from yourself and others. And only you know how to love yourself best.
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default Re: Learning to trust yourself again

Post by rombomb on Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:40 pm

Riana wrote:
Well, if you look at the wound a little closer, itís actually about not trusting ourselves. We are afraid to get hurt, because we do not trust that weíll be able to cope with the hurt and walk away if the situation so requires. So the answer lies in trusting ourselves, our strength, our heart, our instincts. When we trust in ourselves, we will also have a healthy trust in others, but not a naieve or unconditional one. We will notice little clues about the other person, and we will increase or lessen our trust as our relationship with the other person deepens. We will be strong enough to leave if we have to, and not make it about us or what we did wrong. Of course a relationship of any kind goes both ways, but itís not your job to take on all the responsibility when a relationship comes to an end, which is something that low self-esteem often makes us do.

How can we increase our trust in ourselves? By showing up for ourselves every single day. Itís not enough to make the intention once. Every day we need to take care of our needs and pay attention to our inner climate. When someone asks something of us that we donít want to do or are not able to do, we need to learn to say no, in a friendly but resolute way. Thatís how inner trusts grows. We have been through different situations, and we know that we are able to stand our ground and be there for ourselves. This also requires getting to know ourselves better, for how can you take care of your needs if you donít know what they are? How can you have boundaries if you donít know what your values are? Knowledge of the Self goes hand in hand with inner trust.
What you're saying is that selfishness is good!

I agree.
Riana wrote:
And of course, most importantly: loving yourself. Loving every single tiny aspect of yourself, until you feel that you deserve respect and care, from yourself and others. And only you know how to love yourself best.
What about our mistaken ideas and bad habits? We shouldn't love those. We should do everything in our power to change for the better. Thats good for us and for our family, friends, coworkers, and everybody else too.

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default Re: Learning to trust yourself again

Post by Riana on Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:34 pm

I think you need to love those too. If you include your shadow side, it will have less effect on you. Of course there are always things we can improve and do better, but I think it's very healthy to love yourself as you are, completely as you are, and with that love you will feel more empowered to grow and change yourself, patiently and with gentleness.
On the other hand, if you try to change yourself because you dislike a part of you, or to please other people, you will increase your anxiety and frustration and you will not feel at home with yourself, because we are often our own worst critics.
That's my point of view on it anyway ^^
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Post by rombomb on Thu Jan 03, 2013 4:05 pm

Riana wrote:I think you need to love those too. If you include your shadow side, it will have less effect on you. Of course there are always things we can improve and do better, but I think it's very healthy to love yourself as you are, completely as you are, and with that love you will feel more empowered to grow and change yourself, patiently and with gentleness.
I'm confused by that.

Why would one work to change a habit of his if he loved it?

One should *only* work to change his bad habits -- as he judges according to his values. The bad habits are the ones that are causing him to make mistakes -- mistakes that are causing mental suffering on him and others. Why should he love his bad habits if he knows that they are causing mental suffering on himself and others?

Riana wrote:
On the other hand, if you try to change yourself because you dislike a part of you, or to please other people, you will increase your anxiety and frustration and you will not feel at home with yourself, because we are often our own worst critics.
That's my point of view on it anyway ^^
I don't understand why you think that "disliking a part of you" increases "your anxiety and frustration".

[FYI, AFAIK: Frustration is an emotion that can occur when a person repeatedly fails at solving a problem. Anxiety is an emotion that can occur when a person worries about a problem that he hasn't yet solved. Now that I've written that out, I realize another emotion that could occur -- fear. Fear is an emotion that can occur when a person believes that his problem will persist indefinitely.]


Regarding the way you said "worst critic": This suggests that you have a negative attitude towards criticism. But criticism is good. Its what drives learning. Its what allows us to improve. This is very positive! So why do you have a negative attitude towards criticism? Or did I misinterpret?

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default Re: Learning to trust yourself again

Post by Riana on Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:06 pm

There are different ways of giving criticism, it can be done with love and respect, or it can be done in a way that puts the person down. Now, when we don't love ourselves fully (i.e there are parts that we don't like about ourselves, and that we don't want to integrate), we will not criticise with love and respect, (I find that the word "criticise" doesn't sound very loving in itself to be honest) but with contempt and impatience. People talk to themselves in a way that they would never talk to their loved ones, striving to be perfect and without fault, and if a fault inevitably occurs, they put themselves down: "You are an idiot, you can't do anything right.", "see, I know you wouldn't be able to do it.", "why do you even bother?" etc.
If their best friend would make the same mistake, they would be understanding and give him/her the benefit of the doubt.

Everyone makes mistakes, but someone who values him/herself and loves him/herself will be able to see the mistake more objectively and situation-based than someone who still has unloved parts that aren't integrated yet. It's not because you love yourself that you stop improving yourself. It's not arrogance or thinking that you can do no wrong. In fact, when you give yourself your unconditional love, you will be more able to love others and sympathise with them.

Why should someone love their bad habits? Because what you resist, persists. If you criticise yourself and put yourself down, the habit will persist, or find another outlet. If you lovingly find the deeper reason for this habit, and take the time to truly feel the fear, the frustration, the sadness behind the habit, instead of judging it, you will have more chance of releasing and healing. We don't just do things, there's always a deeper reason behind it. For example, someone drinks because he feels empty inside. The habit is just a symptom. It won't do much good that he tells himself "drinking is bad for you, you should stop." He is running away from his feelings, and the only way to improve is to start loving himself enough to realise that his feelings are worthy of being felt, that his sadness should be heard and that he deserves to heal. Of course, he might need outside help with this too.
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default Re: Learning to trust yourself again

Post by rombomb on Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:21 pm

Riana wrote:There are different ways of giving criticism, it can be done with love and respect, or it can be done in a way that puts the person down.
That latter thing isn't criticism. Its hostility.

A criticism is an explanation of a flaw in an idea.

Riana wrote:
Now, when we don't love ourselves fully (i.e there are parts that we don't like about ourselves, and that we don't want to integrate), we will not criticise with love and respect,
You're asserting that without explanation. What is your explanation for why you think that would happen?

BTW, my existence is a counter-example.

Riana wrote:
(I find that the word "criticise" doesn't sound very loving in itself to be honest) but with contempt and impatience.
Thats because you have a negative attitude towards criticism. You can and should have a positive attitude, since criticism is good -- its what drives learning.

Riana wrote:
People talk to themselves in a way that they would never talk to their loved ones, striving to be perfect and without fault,
Well that is ridiculous. We are all fallible. Why desire something that which is impossible to acheive?

Riana wrote:
and if a fault inevitably occurs, they put themselves down: "You are an idiot, you can't do anything right.", "see, I know you wouldn't be able to do it.", "why do you even bother?" etc.
That isn't criticism. There is no explanation of the flaw. That is hostility.

Riana wrote:
If their best friend would make the same mistake, they would be understanding and give him/her the benefit of the doubt.
Ya that doesn't make sense. Why do people do that?

Riana wrote:
Everyone makes mistakes, but someone who values him/herself and loves him/herself will be able to see the mistake more objectively and situation-based than someone who still has unloved parts that aren't integrated yet. It's not because you love yourself that you stop improving yourself. It's not arrogance or thinking that you can do no wrong. In fact, when you give yourself your unconditional love, you will be more able to love others and sympathise with them.
I don't love my bad habits AND I'm not hostile at myself. I love criticism. I love self-criticism. And I love external criticism (criticism that other people created for me).

Riana wrote:
Why should someone love their bad habits? Because what you resist, persists.
Who said anything about resisting? Why do you think that *not loving my bad habits* implies *resisting changing my habits*?

Riana wrote:
If you criticise yourself and put yourself down, the habit will persist, or find another outlet.
Ya hostility is bad.

Riana wrote:
If you lovingly find the deeper reason for this habit,
aka criticism,

Riana wrote:
and take the time to truly feel the fear, the frustration, the sadness behind the habit, instead of judging it,
No, judgment is good. That is how you create criticism.

Riana wrote:
you will have more chance of releasing and healing. We don't just do things, there's always a deeper reason behind it. For example, someone drinks because he feels empty inside. The habit is just a symptom. It won't do much good that he tells himself "drinking is bad for you, you should stop."
Agreed. But that isn't criticism. Its explanationless.

Riana wrote:
He is running away from his feelings, and the only way to improve is to start loving himself enough to realise that his feelings are worthy of being felt, that his sadness should be heard and that he deserves to heal. Of course, he might need outside help with this too.
Burying feelings doesn't work. There is a problem there. Avoiding the problem isn't a solution.

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default Re: Learning to trust yourself again

Post by Riana on Fri Jan 04, 2013 3:27 pm

I think we might have a different definition of criticism and judgement and process things differently. That is fine of course. You love criticism and I do not. Maybe it's better to agree to disagree Wink I'm not striving to be "right", I was merely explaining my point of view, and I think I have done that now.
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Post by melodiccolor on Fri Jan 04, 2013 4:50 pm

Riana wrote:There are different ways of giving criticism, it can be done with love and respect, or it can be done in a way that puts the person down. Now, when we don't love ourselves fully (i.e there are parts that we don't like about ourselves, and that we don't want to integrate), we will not criticise with love and respect, (I find that the word "criticise" doesn't sound very loving in itself to be honest) but with contempt and impatience. People talk to themselves in a way that they would never talk to their loved ones, striving to be perfect and without fault, and if a fault inevitably occurs, they put themselves down: "You are an idiot, you can't do anything right.", "see, I know you wouldn't be able to do it.", "why do you even bother?" etc.
If their best friend would make the same mistake, they would be understanding and give him/her the benefit of the doubt.

Everyone makes mistakes, but someone who values him/herself and loves him/herself will be able to see the mistake more objectively and situation-based than someone who still has unloved parts that aren't integrated yet. It's not because you love yourself that you stop improving yourself. It's not arrogance or thinking that you can do no wrong. In fact, when you give yourself your unconditional love, you will be more able to love others and sympathise with them.

Why should someone love their bad habits? Because what you resist, persists. If you criticise yourself and put yourself down, the habit will persist, or find another outlet. If you lovingly find the deeper reason for this habit, and take the time to truly feel the fear, the frustration, the sadness behind the habit, instead of judging it, you will have more chance of releasing and healing. We don't just do things, there's always a deeper reason behind it. For example, someone drinks because he feels empty inside. The habit is just a symptom. It won't do much good that he tells himself "drinking is bad for you, you should stop." He is running away from his feelings, and the only way to improve is to start loving himself enough to realise that his feelings are worthy of being felt, that his sadness should be heard and that he deserves to heal. Of course, he might need outside help with this too.
Well said.

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default Re: Learning to trust yourself again

Post by rombomb on Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:42 am

Hi Riana Smile

Riana wrote:I think we might have a different definition of criticism and judgement
I don't think our disagreement is substantial. I think its only superficial -- its about terminology rather than ideas. On the ideas, I think we almost completely agree.

You agreed with me (at least partly) on the idea of criticism. You said this: "There are different ways of giving criticism, it can be done with love and respect, or it can be done in a way that puts the person down."

That means that you believe there's is a good way to criticize. That is the type of criticism that people should love, since its good! Its good because its what drives learning/progress/improvement. Without it, progress halts. How does that happen? People (subconsciously or consciously) shield themselves from criticism -- and that makes progress impossible. Here I'm speaking of one's own criticism too, not just external criticism. Why do people shield themselves from criticism? Sometimes its because they have a negative attitude towards it. Why do people have a negative attitude towards it? Because they are thinking of the other kind of criticism that you talked about, the type that I referred to as personal attacks, hostility, and explanationless assertions. These people got so much of it as children that they feel bad when they are "criticized" (the bad way).

About judgement, I don't see how we have a different definition of it. I wonder if you think it means one person telling another person that they are bad. But that isn't judgement. Or, if that is judgement, its stupid/bad/evil/immoral. If that is the case, then I agree with you that that kind of judgement is bad. But that doesn't mean that good judgement should be thrown out just because some people do the bad judgement thing. Judgement means evaluating whether or not an idea is true. You do this within your own mind all the time. You do it when you brainstorm new ideas. You do it when you evaluate your own ideas and other people's ideas.

Riana wrote:
and process things differently. That is fine of course. You love criticism and I do not.
But you said there is a good way to criticize. Do you at least love that kind of criticism? If not, then why do you think its a good way to criticize? If its good, why don't you love it?

Riana wrote:
Maybe it's better to agree to disagree Wink
Agreeing to disagree is good. Its better than resorting to hostility. But I think there is an even better way, and that is to continue discussing until we reach agreement.

Truth is objective. That implies that we can reach agreement.

So what reason is there to stop discussing?

If it is your preference to agree to disagree, then I'll respect your preference.

But if you agree with me that we can reach agreement, that truth is objective, then I think your preference would be to continue discussing. Of course there are other reasons to not want to discuss with me.

Riana wrote:
I'm not striving to be "right", I was merely explaining my point of view, and I think I have done that now.
I don't understand your point of view yet. Thats why I'm asking questions about the parts of your view that I'm still confused about.

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Post by Riana on Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:18 pm

I think my point is that one needs to love him/herself first, completely, before she/he is able to take criticism.

As such, a reason why people are not able to take criticism is because they have a low self-esteem and see in every sort of criticism a personal attack. Not "what you did there wasn't really constructive", but "you are bad. you can't do anything right". The only way they would be able to take criticism is if it comes with a lot of praise for their other abilities. But this usually doesn't happen in real life.

I am not against constructive criticism. But on the other hand, one shouldn't disguise an opinion as a fact. "You are doing it wrong, you should do it like this" is an opinion. So for people it can be hard to take criticism because they have problems putting things in perspective. They think what the other person is saying is an absolute truth, instead of an opinion, and that it must mean that they are a failure. This of course, like I said before, results from not loving yourself.

In my eyes, love is neutral. It does not judge. The journey in self-love is a journey of accepting all parts of you, surrounding them with love and light. When you know and feel fully that your are essentially good, and that there is nothing wrong with you, you will be able to look at criticism in an objective way, and see it for what it is - an opinion from one person. Of course, we shouldn't be blind to it, and it's good to test if there might be some truth in it. When we believe we are good in essence, it will be easier to change behavior that isn't good for us or for others. Because "bad" behavior is behavior that's not based on love but on fear, and is usually a call for love and attention. When we don't need that validation from outside anymore, we can use our own discernment to bring about change, based on our values and care for ourselves and others. Maybe it will not please others, but an important part of loving yourself is realising that you have the right to be authentic, and that you are not here to please others. There is a big difference between not pleasing others and harming them, and when we live from the heart, we will be more sensitive to what harms others and we will avoid it.
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Post by rombomb on Sat Jan 05, 2013 5:11 pm

Riana wrote:I think my point is that one needs to love him/herself first, completely, before she/he is able to take criticism.
I agree. Though I'm not sure what you mean by "completely".

Riana wrote:
As such, a reason why people are not able to take criticism is because they have a low self-esteem and see in every sort of criticism a personal attack.
Right. That is a mistake to interpret good criticism as a personal attack.

Riana wrote:
Not "what you did there wasn't really constructive", but "you are bad. you can't do anything right". The only way they would be able to take criticism is if it comes with a lot of praise for their other abilities. But this usually doesn't happen in real life.
Giving praise (aka positive reinforcement) in order to "soften" a criticism, reduces the clarity of the criticism. It might render the criticism useless if the receiver of the criticism misunderstands it.

Riana wrote:
I am not against constructive criticism. But on the other hand, one shouldn't disguise an opinion as a fact. "You are doing it wrong, you should do it like this" is an opinion.
I don't see any substantive difference between fact and opinion. Both could be wrong.

Riana wrote:
So for people it can be hard to take criticism because they have problems putting things in perspective. They think what the other person is saying is an absolute truth, instead of an opinion, and that it must mean that they are a failure. This of course, like I said before, results from not loving yourself.
I think it results from a bigger problem than that. Or rather, that the cause is deeper than not loving oneself. Its a self-image issue. If one doesn't understand fallibility, that anyone can be wrong about anything, that mistakes are common, and how to fix mistakes, and how to solve problems, then one would then begin to feel fear/shame/disgust/anxiety about oneself because he's not solving his problems and not fixing his mistakes. He "develops" a self-image of himself that he doesn't like.

And you can't just will yourself to love yourself. You can't force love.

Riana wrote:
In my eyes, love is neutral. It does not judge. The journey in self-love is a journey of accepting all parts of you, surrounding them with love and light. When you know and feel fully that your are essentially good, and that there is nothing wrong with you, you will be able to look at criticism in an objective way, and see it for what it is - an opinion from one person.
That advice wouldn't work on Hitler. Hitler should not think that his actions, his ideas, are good.

A guy whose got lots of good things about him, but he has some bad things, should not say, "Well I'm relatively good enough." Why? Because that means he's satisfied with his current state. That means no progress. It means not improving himself. It means not solving his problems that are causing hurt on himself and others.

Riana wrote:
Of course, we shouldn't be blind to it, and it's good to test if there might be some truth in it. When we believe we are good in essence,
I think you're going for the attitude that *I can be as good as I'm persuaded to be*. I can fix any of my mistakes thus improving myself. I can solve any one of my problems. Everyday is a new beginning. And by fixing my mistakes and solving my problems, everyday I am a better man than yesterday.

Riana wrote:
it will be easier to change behavior that isn't good for us or for others. Because "bad" behavior is behavior that's not based on love but on fear, and is usually a call for love and attention. When we don't need that validation from outside anymore, we can use our own discernment to bring about change, based on our values and care for ourselves and others. Maybe it will not please others, but an important part of loving yourself is realising that you have the right to be authentic, and that you are not here to please others. There is a big difference between not pleasing others and harming them, and when we live from the heart, we will be more sensitive to what harms others and we will avoid it.
In other words, selfishness is good, and altruism is bad.

and...

Selfishness does not mean sacrificing other people's preferences. It just means not sacrificing my own preferences.

Altruism is bad because it means sacrificing one's own preferences.

Another crucial part to this is rationality. Sometimes we have conflicts between our preferences, and this requires people to easily change their preferences such that their interactions involves common preferences. Rationality is how we change/create new preferences.

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Post by Riana on Sat Jan 05, 2013 6:52 pm

Well, rombomb, I don't believe that it's that easy to create new preferences. My preferences are based on my values, and they are anything but easily changed. I believe that changing your true preferences for the sake of having common preferences is not advisable, and will harm you. Don't you believe that people have their own personalities?

I also feel that you turn what I said into your own conclusions. I did not say that selfishness is good, or altruism is bad. In fact, I think it's sad that you label loving yourself as selfish, when loving yourself leads to being able to love other people better. Loving yourself is not vain or arrogant, it's our natural state of being. In fact, it's when we don't love ourselves well and expect others to fill that void that we are being selfish.

No, you cannot will yourself to love yourself. It takes work and dedication. That self-love and trust grows over time, when you show up for yourself daily, as I mentioned in my first post.

I think a healthy individual is someone who sees him/herself as good enough. Our soul, our essence is like a mirror. We can stain it and make it dusty by our deeds or we can polish it and make it shiny. That doesn't change the fact that the mirror in itself is good, and was meant to shine. You seem to think that considering yourself good enough leads to inaction and vanity, but this is not the case. Nobody wants to stay the same, we all find ways to improve ourselves, but again, is it based on love and care for ourselves or is it based on dislike and an unhealthy preoccupation with what other people want us to be?

I feel that we can argue about this forever. You seem to think that a human being can be made into anything the mind wants, and I think that we have a true self that cannot be changed, because it's who we are meant to be. I don't see the virtue of changing yourself for other people's sake if you can inspire people to follow their own path by following yours.

oh, and would Hitler have listened to anyone's advice in the first place?
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Post by Alethia on Sun Jan 06, 2013 8:25 am

Rombomb..for you...
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Post by mtngrl123 on Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:50 am

Riana...WOW...awesome:)

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Post by rombomb on Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:21 pm


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Post by Alethia on Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:06 pm

[quote="rombomb"]Thanks Alethia!

I have some criticism of that video. I put it here:
http://funhsps.niceboard.org/t3436-my-thoughts-criticisms-of-_athene-s-theory-of-everything_-part-1#52567[/qu

Oh neat..I am glad you opened another thread..eline and you are having some good discussions here..that are providing your both a great platform..
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