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Post by Alethia on Mon Sep 05, 2011 8:25 pm

Overprotective love How do we determine whether the space of overprotective love is camoflauged by fears of others/our own? Some might see overprotective love as unconditional and deeply caring, but sometimes that love is tarnished by fear itself. I wonder as a child growing up in that space, whether they might take on that pattern of love with the underlying fears in place? And then in that fear of overprotecting if present, I wonder what it is we fear exactly and I wonder how we project that in our more intimate and close connections?
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Post by Trien on Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:58 pm

Over-protective love is in my eyes being overly protective. It is a bit too much, so it is a love being fed by probably fear , and/or uncertainty, insecurity it suffocates the child. you also instill those underlying fears onto your child and she/he is prone to anxiety, maybe depression.
I have seen parents like that and those kids do well within their safe environment, but outside that safety, they tend to become insecure. you see, their security is based on that narrow space of safety.
that does not necessarily mean that these kids will have symptoms of anxiety. Other people , adults, in their environment can be a positive influence and the child can learn to develop good coping skills, or by experiencing that the outside world can actually be safe.
that underlying fear can have, I think many reasons. often, I think they will project that fear in their own intimate relationships. Maybe that fear will be recognized by the other intimate person. Gaining insight is probably the first step to change, as long as they feel protected.
another thing , we can be highly sensitive, but overly sensitive is different. that means there is a little too much in the sense of an unbalanced sensitivity creates a certain tension.
ps. I had to read your thoughts several times to grasp it. hopefully I headed in the right direction.
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Post by mtngrl123 on Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:09 pm

Alethia

"I wonder as a child growing up in that space, whether they might take on that pattern of love with the underlying fears in place? And then in that fear of overprotecting if present, I wonder what it is we fear exactly and I wonder how we project that in our more intimate and close connections?"

I think this is verypossible...so long as the child was not aware of it. But if the child was able to recognize the parent's fear and the cause behind it. Then i think the child may be able to prevent from taking it into their own realtionships. Possibly...

Trein: Very insightful....over protective parents to this point do not even allow the child to be who they are. Child never learns to trust themselves.

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Post by melodiccolor on Tue Sep 06, 2011 4:02 pm

Trien and mtngrl, I agree with both posts. Smothering overprotective love can have long lasting effects.

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Post by Alethia on Tue Sep 06, 2011 7:01 pm

Thankyou trien..I agree with your words..and you offer some good insights into feeling safe and secure in our environment regarding this issue. I often wonder about parents who might turn *unresolved grief* into a pattern of fear...This space could see a parent love from that overly protective space. I wonder then about how in that space *our attachments* become fear binded...and even play out in that way with our more intimate connections..And of course that bind has to attach itself to a mirror bind that reveals our fears....

Yes very true mtn..recognizing a parental fear is definitely a space that would break the cycle of that kind of loving...sometimes those fears can be locked into the subsconscious, but certainly the mirror of connections helps us to see if that fear is present...
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Post by Trien on Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:01 pm

being overprotective as a result of 'unresolved grief'. well. the fact that you are being overprotective indicates a certain amount of fear, no? if the fear is caused by 'unresolved grief' well, again, the mirror of connections ( I am using your words because I like them) will help us to recognize that fear and 'unlock' it by its awareness.
If that parent is in a safe environment, has intimate relations, it is likely that he/she will gain that insight.
He/ she will have to go through that grief ( as you know of course) to heal.
That's why yes, it is necessary to go through that fear , to face that fear ....( that ties in with mtngrl's article about fear and letting go)

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Post by Trien on Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:07 pm

now... I do have a question.

if the parent is not able to be in an intimate relationship ( I mean any kind of relationship, such as intimate friendship, intimate partner, intimate relationship with therapist etc...)
how would he/she be able to 'heal'? in other words, is 'healing' possible without intimate connections?
maybe through spirituality? or ?
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Post by Alethia on Wed Sep 07, 2011 11:56 pm

Trien wrote:now... I do have a question.

if the parent is not able to be in an intimate relationship ( I mean any kind of relationship, such as intimate friendship, intimate partner, intimate relationship with therapist etc...)
how would he/she be able to 'heal'? in other words, is 'healing' possible without intimate connections?
maybe through spirituality? or ?

The mirror trien exists in all life..so the reflections we hold will mirror to the outside world as well...I remember many aspects of fear in the space of certain souls in certian spaces I was involved in that reflected some of my worse fears...it isnt limited to only our partners/children/friends...so seeing struggles outside of ourselves....is always a reflection of the struggle we might carry within if it connects to our fears and then it can become an opportunity to grow....some people meditate, use dream work, the greater world and its fears to use as self reflection...to heal.
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Post by Trien on Thu Sep 08, 2011 7:43 pm

yes, the mirror of connections is actually much broader. I should have know, reading all your posts.

there is a 'life' outside this life, there is an 'existence' outside this existence.
but, there need to be a balance between our life here and our connection with the other life? I mean, there is our work, our relationships, our kids.... also, no? I mean, we still have to live our life here. To be a balanced person, to be able to be there for the people who 'need' you (such as kids) , sick people ..... isn't it a fine balance between both?
sorry for the questions. maybe this is not the right place. please feel free to answer these or not.


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Post by melodiccolor on Thu Sep 08, 2011 7:55 pm

Those are great questions Trien, and they deserve a thread of their own too. I personally find there is no separation between the spiritual and daily aspects of living for me, but rather they are on one broad spectrum and all connected. How I react to daily situations and people is very much influenced by how I feel and relate to all of it.

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Post by Alethia on Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:42 pm

They are great questions...I think becoming whole in onself and reflecting that back to the world around us we simpy include all that we know..keeping it all in a balance is the key to not neglecting our space/responsiblities in this reality....I am wondering about your question why you asked that in relation to finding balance..Do you find that one calls greater than the other for you?
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Post by Trien on Fri Sep 09, 2011 3:01 pm

well, I feel like I still have to live my life. I still have to pay my bills. I still have my mind.
Mind, well, if not for E. Aron's books, we would not have such wonderful forum.
You all seem to be well balanced, almost perfect. well, let me tell you, my life is not perfect and I am still struggling with this balance. It is quite complex, full of mystery etc....
I think we do need the mind also, to stay in tune with this earthly life. If not, you are just not really part of it, I think.
yes, and underneath we are all connected, yes we are.
I don't know, I don't know, I am in the unknown.....let me stay there for a while.
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Post by melodiccolor on Fri Sep 09, 2011 4:01 pm

I agree we do need to live in this world, participate as fully as we can. It is the only life we have so we should make the most of it.

Yet, how we relate to both things spiritual and things of this life has a direct influence in how we feel about our lives on every level. If we can sense the connections and feel good about ourselves, then dealing with setbacks is not so painful, for our perspective will have changed.

I live with the unknown by choice; discovering bits and pieces of it is a delight.

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Post by Alethia on Fri Sep 09, 2011 7:01 pm

Trien wrote:well, I feel like I still have to live my life. I still have to pay my bills. I still have my mind.
Mind, well, if not for E. Aron's books, we would not have such wonderful forum.
You all seem to be well balanced, almost perfect. well, let me tell you, my life is not perfect and I am still struggling with this balance. It is quite complex, full of mystery etc....
I think we do need the mind also, to stay in tune with this earthly life. If not, you are just not really part of it, I think.
yes, and underneath we are all connected, yes we are.
I don't know, I don't know, I am in the unknown.....let me stay there for a while.

Yes we do have to coexist with all life which means we do have to find balance and live out our own individual reality...I think the mind is a crucial part of living in this world..but to live in balance and connected fully the mind must also be in balance...if anypart of our being rules our space...then that is where our focus will be...letting go of the mind in my space of balance is more about not letting the mind rule from a conditioned space, but more in harmony with my entire being....without the conditions...

Stay as long as you need Trien...just being open to growth will enable you to move at your own pace..and in your own time...
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Post by Trien on Fri Sep 09, 2011 7:12 pm

Stay as long as you need Trien...just being open to growth will enable you to move at your own pace..and in your own time...

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Post by Alethia on Fri Sep 09, 2011 7:24 pm

Trien wrote:Stay as long as you need Trien...just being open to growth will enable you to move at your own pace..and in your own time...

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Post by Alethia on Sun Oct 02, 2011 3:22 am

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Post by Alethia on Sun Oct 02, 2011 4:09 am

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Post by mtngrl123 on Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:24 am

Two of my favorites Alethia. I showed the Nick one to my kids in school last year. Really opened their eyes. Thanks for sharing


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Post by Trien on Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:02 pm

wow! what can I say? first video, powerful, made me cry a little.

the second one, beautiful, but.............. not easy..............


Alethia, you keep changing your picture!!! by the way, I like the current one a lot.
'the loving tree' Smile
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Post by Trien on Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:12 pm

oaky, showed Nicky to my kids. they certainly were 'touched'.

tx, Alethia!
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Post by Alethia on Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:34 am

mtngrl123 wrote:Two of my favorites Alethia. I showed the Nick one to my kids in school last year. Really opened their eyes. Thanks for sharing

wow! what can I say? first video, powerful, made me cry a little.

the second one, beautiful, but.............. not easy..............


Alethia, you keep changing your picture!!! by the way, I like the current one a lot.
'the loving tree'


Smile wave

I think I am going to find myself a plaque like this one....for my healing room..


On the way to my healing room from the teaching space there is a stylized plaque I purchased at Kripalu that says “Love Heals.” I hung it at the entryway to affirm to all who enter my healing room who the true source of healing is.

Something happens in the presence of love. There is an increased ability to trust, surrender, let go and release.

We’ve all experienced this. Do you recall a moment when you could no longer carry inside yourself some unwanted feeling that had gone unexpressed for too long? Then finally, the right person and circumstances opened the door for your disclosure. Like a pin prick penetrating a stuffed balloon, the energy you were carrying was set free, allowing a new lightness and ease. There came a moment when it felt safe and right to speak a truth.

If your truth is a private pain difficult to disclose and it lands on the heart of an accepting listener, healing happens. Our shadowy parts sometimes build energy on their own, convincing us we are not okay. These shadows lurk in the corners of our heart space, giving us reasons to hide, feel guilty or unworthy. But when expressed to an accepting listener, shadows dissipate like vapor.

When we do have someone to share with on a deep level, whether a healer, partner or friend, it is a blessing. What about being your own accepting listener and supporter? This skill means you can transmute harsh feelings in the moment.

Cynthia Bourgeault is one who teachers this skill. I am blessed to have been in her presence a number of times. She is a mystic, scholar, teacher and contemplative, in the tradition of Thomas Keating. Her books and retreats have had a profound impact on many people, teaching others to welcome their shadows like long lost friends.

Cynthia teaches a “welcoming practice” in which we hold all circumstances, drama, challenges, and feelings in love’s embrace. My notes from one of her retreats: “Use everything to increase the quality and quantity of your presence in conscious love.” She describes a 3-step process. 1) when you become aware you are in the grip of emotional pain, focus; 2) Welcome it; 3) Let go.

Too often we push aside our pain, our darker feelings. We squelch our fear, anger, distrust, judgments of ourselves and others. But these shadowy sides simply need some space. What we resist persists! When we bring in the breath along with a welcoming heart, we loosen the shadows hold on our energy.

Taking on the perception of neutrality is another way to soften the blows of strong emotions. I often coach clients to consider switching their perception of strong feelings. Rather than affirm “I am angry” consider “the energy of anger is moving through me.” This alternate statement affirms our own ability to be in a place of control and distance. Feelings are related to the water element and the second chakra. Water likes to keep moving, like streams, waves, rivers and waterfalls. When stagnant, water draws bugs and green stuff. In our energy system, stuck emotions draw blockages so the energy system can’t flow freely, creating a state of being “in our stuff” rather than in our joy and freedom.

It’s valuable to know how to be your own guide to offer love to your shadows. It’s also valuable to perceive close partnership or friendships as having that higher sacred quality. For those in a love relationship or not, I highly recommend Cynthia’s book Love is Stronger than Death. Here she describes an “abler” soul that is a “third being” produced from a loving partnership. This abler soul Cynthia describes comes about as a result of profound unconditional love. When we can let even our darkest shadows out and they are received in love, the strength of that love heals us and evolves us toward our own enlightenment. The abler soul is the energy of that power…a blending of two souls steeped in unconditional love for on another.

From Love is Stronger than Death: “I believe the shadow work between the partners is the real holy ground in their relationship: untidy, messy, alchemical, holy. For what is brought into being, through it, this abler soul is not simply a blending together but a fusion at a higher level. It is a new creation, forged chiefly through the melting down of each one’s chains in the fire of unconditional love.”

The closeness of that kind of relationship is rare and a blessing. But whether you are in a relationship or not, there are methods to consider for your own spiritual progress right now:

• Do you have a deep secret you’ve never told anyone? What do you feel would happen if you did tell someone and your secret landed in a loving heart?
• Next time one of a shadowy part visits your awareness, try saying “welcome.” After all, she’s coming to you for healing. Now is the chance to give her your unconditional love. Give her a name also! This helps to distance the emotions and paves a way for a conversation! Welcome “Angry Alice”, “Sad Samantha,” “Frustrated Frannie!”
• Can you accept part of yourself as one who loves you unconditionally? What name would you give her so you could call her in when you need her? Even “Higher Self” would work – sometimes we need more than one “opinion” when these strong feelings flood us.
• Is there someone in your life whom you love? How would you go about widening your love for that person? If you place conditions on the person, how would it be if you eliminated those conditions? Consider: “I love you if you love me” vs. “I love you because it is my nature to love.”

Love heals because it is the energy of compassion, forgiveness and acceptance. Love’s power wants no holding back. Give yourself total freedom to love yourself and others. Because you ARE love, and love NEEDS you for its own expression!

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/love-heals-0
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Post by Trien on Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:43 pm

[color=olive]When we can let even our darkest shadows out and they are received in love, the strength of that love heals us and evolves us toward our own enlightenment. The abler soul is the energy of that power…a blending of two souls steeped in unconditional love for on another.[/color]

feels very right, have this experienced before.......... is definitely healing, a deep healing and therefore a true healing. because the source is genuine love.... unconditional love

Love heals because it is the energy of compassion, forgiveness and acceptance.

very powerful! 'freeing' to me..

maybe not that difficult, it is all within each of us..... just recognizing it......... willing to see........ opening up to it..........

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Post by Trien on Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:54 pm

by the way, Alethia, a plaque like that would immediately speak to me
it would let me know, yes, it's okay, you're at the right place. Smile
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Post by Alethia on Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:19 pm

Trien wrote:[color=olive]When we can let even our darkest shadows out and they are received in love, the strength of that love heals us and evolves us toward our own enlightenment. The abler soul is the energy of that power…a blending of two souls steeped in unconditional love for on another.[/color]

feels very right, have this experienced before.......... is definitely healing, a deep healing and therefore a true healing. because the source is genuine love.... unconditional love

Love heals because it is the energy of compassion, forgiveness and acceptance.

very powerful! 'freeing' to me..

maybe not that difficult, it is all within each of us..... just recognizing it......... willing to see........ opening up to it..........


Yes trien it feels right to me also...through observing those that step into that space in a healing connection in my real life. It really does seem to open a deeper healing process....because the source is unconditional love..not just in words but an embodiement of that love...that works the space of healing....

thankyou as always for sharing..I really appreciate your wisdom and insights...
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Post by Alethia on Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:10 am

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Post by mtngrl123 on Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:17 am

That is what I call success...being the beauitful person she is fully and going beyond any limitations. Thanks Alethia beatingheart

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