Favorite George Carlin quotes (obviously some of this will be R-rated)

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default Favorite George Carlin quotes (obviously some of this will be R-rated)

Post by Nucky on Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:39 am

Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you.


Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

About how to handle a heckler:
Would someone just put a dick in that guy's mouth please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now if you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way or you're just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting. 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you in the fucking street where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! ... You know? See... You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

(sorry INFP, this one was too fucking brilliant to leave out) lol!
Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince...what a crock of shit, get a fuckin' last name, would you please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting...it's not bad enough the music sucks but with no last name you can't find out where they live to throw a fuckin' bomb through their window.

Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it...if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do...all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take "Thou Shalt Not Kill." The more devout they are...the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable...it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing, and who's getting killed.

The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now it IS a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. "Are you hurt?" Of course they're hurt; look at all the blood! You just RAN OVER them with a ton and a half of steel!

Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something. Might as well be Steve. And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?

Another word you don't hear too often is "dingleberries." You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it's because "dingleberries" is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. "Dingleberries!" It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? "Dingleberries." John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! "It is to be devoutly wished . . . that she would kiss me . . . under the dingleberries."

What year did Jesus think it was?

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default Re: Favorite George Carlin quotes (obviously some of this will be R-rated)

Post by BlueTopaz on Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:52 am

I can't quote it exactly, but it went something like this (maybe you can find it Nucky)
The amount a person is an asshole is inversely proportional to the distance that person is from you. For example, the guy ahead of you in line... ***whispers*** "this guy is a real asshole", but the idiot on TV ***shouts*** "what an ASSHOLE".

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default Re: Favorite George Carlin quotes (obviously some of this will be R-rated)

Post by Riana on Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:01 am

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
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Post by Reamsie on Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:46 pm

Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f**king hatreds!

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default Re: Favorite George Carlin quotes (obviously some of this will be R-rated)

Post by unicorn13 on Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:03 am

It's a long one but the first one I was introduced to by him... Plenty of shorter quotes to take from it that are brilliant but what the heck, the whole thing is great as it weaves it's way to the concusion:

“We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are!

We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?”

Plastic… asshole.”
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