jokes (lame, and otherwise)

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default jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Sun May 04, 2008 2:47 pm

from a friend in iowa...obviously, this could be adapted to a lot of 'sports' lol! reb

A lady in Iowa City calls 911.
Hysterically, she says, "Someone's just broke into my house, and I think he's
going to rob me!"

The police officer says, "We're really busy at the
moment. Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to
you."


Q: What is the Hawkeye coaches
biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting
violation?

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Iowa City?
A: A
huddle

Q: Four Hawkeye players in a car, who's driving?
A: The
police

Q: Why can't most of the Hawk players get into a huddle on the
field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.

The
Hawkeye team has adopted a new Honor System.
"Yes, your Honor, No, your
Honor."

The Hawks had a 6-6 season last year. 6 Arrests, 6
convictions.

Q: How will the Hawks spend the first week of Spring
Training?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: Why is Coach Ferenz
running for Johnson County sheriff?
A: So he can spend more time with his
players.

reb

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Sun May 04, 2008 11:04 pm

Top this for a speeding ticket:

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.


Back came a reply in true USMC style:
Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.
Thank you for your concerns.


Shocked mrgreen
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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Sun May 04, 2008 11:46 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife
Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home
with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was
actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home
from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.


"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.



"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair.


"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really
were after school."


"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.


"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.


The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his
chair once more.


With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We
really watched a tape called Sex Queen."


"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my
parents."



The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him out of his chair.


Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your
son!"


With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three
times.

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default rose buds

Post by reb on Mon May 05, 2008 2:29 pm

Roses & Hanging Baskets


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.
(This is too funny not to share!)

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default the second one'll getcha evertime

Post by reb on Mon May 05, 2008 2:55 pm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behindhim.








The waitress asks him for his order. The man says, 'Ahamburger, fries and a coke,'
and turns to the ostrich, 'What'syours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'Thatwill be $9.40 please,'
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls outthe exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the mansays, 'A hamburger,
fries and a coke..' The ostrich says, 'I'llhave the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'Theusual?' asks the waitress.



'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, bakedpotato and a salad,' says
the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.



Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That willbe $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket andplaces it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.'Excuse me sir. How do you
manage to always come up with the exact changein your pocket every time?'



'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I wascleaning the attic and found an old
lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared andoffered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay foranything, I would just

put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money wouldalways be there.'



'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Mostpeople would ask for a million dollars
or something, but you'll always be asrich as you want for as long as you live!'



“That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, theexact money is
always there,' says the man.



The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'



The man sighs, pauses and answered, 'My second wish was fora tall chick with a big
ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Mon May 05, 2008 4:17 pm

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN
YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE
TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE
SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU˘LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN˘T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Wed May 07, 2008 6:39 pm

>> Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)
>>
>>
>>
>> Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit
>> cards before you die.
>> This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service
>> being what it is today.
>> A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
>> March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
>> fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when
>> she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call
>> to Citibank.
>> Here is the exchange :
>> Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
>> Citibank : 'The account was never closed a nd the late fees and charges
>> still apply.'
>> Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
>> Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
>> Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
>> Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
>> the credit bureau, maybe both!'
>> Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
>> Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
>> Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
>> her being dead?'
>> Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
>> Supervisor gets on the phone:
>> Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a
>> $0 balance.'
>> Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
>> apply.'
>> Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
>> Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
>> Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
>> Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
>> Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
>> After they get the fax :
>> Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more
>> I can do to help.'
>> Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
>> just keep billing her. She won't care.'
>> Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is
>> wrong with these people?!?)
>> Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
>> Citibank : 'That might help.'
>> Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number
>> 69.'
>> Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
>> Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
>> (Priceless!!)
>>

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Wed May 07, 2008 6:46 pm

Laughing Rolling Eyes Suspect study laughing Laughing and rolling I can believe it!
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default funny, but not a joke :)

Post by reb on Sat May 10, 2008 11:17 pm

Interesting indeed....


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell,
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the
custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the
water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in
the roof When i t rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying .. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the
top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence
the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you
opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those
old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over
the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for
dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start
over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for
quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates! made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most
often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on
the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the
corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by
the bell or was considered a dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend ...

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Sat May 10, 2008 11:31 pm

...And people talk about the good old days! Shocked Suspect Laughing
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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Mon May 12, 2008 8:44 pm

?If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound
energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,< /B> maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)?

? The flea can jump 350 times its body length It's like a human jumping the length
of a football field.?
?
? (30 minutes.lucky pig! Can you imagine?)?
?
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Wed May 21, 2008 3:45 am

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next
to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to England.' The Frenchman has a smirk on
his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam, and sell the jam to England.'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in
France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them
melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Thu May 22, 2008 7:42 pm

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.


EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.


HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. I have character lines!!

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Fri May 23, 2008 6:39 pm

this is so true...made me grin all through it. dam, i love bein' home, i don't keer ifen hits hawt....Smile if we could get all the 'outa staters' to go home, it'd be pairadice. e






Things I learned living in Texas


1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas .

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.



10. There is no such thing as 'lunc h.' There is only dinner and then there
is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when
you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it
is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question, 'Did you bring any
beer?'

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in yo ur car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and
Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but
require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin'
or 'off to Wally World.'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew
weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we
can drive, dag-nabbit.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and
those who just wish they were from Texas .

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Fri May 23, 2008 8:11 pm

This response is for the last 2 entries: lol! mrgreen
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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Sat May 31, 2008 4:05 pm

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue.
-Anonymous


There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings


The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney


Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous


Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones


If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain


Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret






--
"I learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it
is, you can make it!"


--~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~
"Good friends must not always be together; its the feeling of oneness when
distant that proves a lasting friendship."
-~-----

i may have posted this b4...every day's a new day with alzheimer's.....reb

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Sun Jun 01, 2008 4:31 pm

The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said,
'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been
administering an entrance examination
For everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it
Before ! you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds,
'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard
Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and
Sees St. Peter,
Who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think
The questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one --
Which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
You do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so
I will give you credit for that answer.'
'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but
I thunk and thunk about that, and
I guess the only answer can be twelve.'!

Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied,
'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind ... But
I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?'
Exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did
you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run Forrest, run!'
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,

reb

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Fri Jun 13, 2008 3:56 pm

the last one made me snort Smile reb

Children write about the sea:


1) This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles. ( Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round
you, you are incontinent.. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's
not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age Cool

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind
come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

Cool I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on
earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)< /FONT>

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and
being sick. My Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

1 0 ) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a
shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down
alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age Cool

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.
She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age
7)

Start each day with a smile.... then pass it on!!!!!

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:48 pm

lol! out of the mouths of ..... I know a lot of people who are going to enjoy this one. Thanks. big grin

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by sedona on Fri Jun 13, 2008 9:35 pm

Laughing Laughing

Those are great!

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:01 pm

from a friend who met harry. reb

Had the privlage to meet and shake his hand, (in Kansas City after he was back in
privite life) No secerety servive men anyway in sight. We parked in the same garage
and he got out of his car just as I was getting out of mine. When I saw him I
didn't quit know what to do or say ,so I just kind of blurted out .Mr. President. He
walked over thward me and said no I use to be, but now I'm just Harry. He was a
really big man for his size .


Subject: Fwd: Harry Truman


:
When President Truman retired from office in 1952, his income was substantially
a United States Army pension, reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress,
noting he was paying for stamps and personally licking them, granted him an
'allowance,' and later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.



When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, 'You
don't want me. You want the office of the president, and that doesn't belong to
me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale.' Even later, on May
6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th
birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, 'I don't consider that I have done
anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.'



We now see othe rs who have found a new level of success in cashing in on the
presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also become
wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now
for sale.



Good old Harry made the following observation, 'My choice early in life was
either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the
truth, there's hardly any difference. I, for one, believe the piano player job
to be much more honorable than current politicians.'

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Sun Jun 15, 2008 11:19 pm

Why would you hide this in the joke thread? confused

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:59 pm

Billy Graham was returning
to Charlotte after a
speaking engagement
and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there.

Billy said to the chaffeur, 'Really, i am so tired from sitting in one seat on this flight, do you mind if i drive?'

The driver was perplexed, but agreed. Billy Graham headed for home, and the driver (in the back seat) was amazed at how fast he drove.......

Down the road was a state trooper sitting off to the side with the radar on......

The trooper pulled out
and easily caught and pulled over the limo
He got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor,
"I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person! ."

The supervisor asked,
"Is it the governor?"!

The young trooper said,
"No, he's more important
than that."

The supervisor said,
"Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said,
"No, he's even more
important than that."

The supervisor finally asked,
"Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the mom
ents that take our breath away. - Unknown

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:05 pm

enjoy 'al dente' lol! all out of whack, and i'm not going to the trouble to put it in whack lol! reb

Sometimes, when I look at my children,
I say to myself,
'Barbara, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Barbara Bush (mother of G.W.) I had
a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to
read the description in the catalog:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I
stated this
woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited
by her sister, and now
wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark TwainThe secret of a good sermon
is to have a good beginning
and a good ending;
and to have the two as
close together as possible.
-- George BurnsSanta Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year. - - Victor Borge B e careful about reading health
books.
You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
-- SocratesI was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho MarxI don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never
drink water
because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it. -- W..C. FieldsWe could certainly slow
the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about
avoiding temptation
as you grow older,
it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis DillerBy the time a man is
wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere. ---Billy CrystalThe cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good, spit it out. Give me a sense of humor, Lord;Give me the grace to
see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

reb

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:01 pm

Health Bulletin
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you, but the Government is trying to correct that problem now.

reb

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:08 pm

lol!

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by reb on Thu Jul 10, 2008 9:21 pm

The #2 pencil...



The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil



Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.



One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'



When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend

sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.



'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.



The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.



A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'



But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her

rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.



'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again

said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep..



The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after

she had her twenty-third child?'



Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that darned

thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'



The nun fainted.

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default the pet diaries

Post by reb on Thu Jul 17, 2008 3:50 pm

DOG DIARY


7:00 AM - Outside! My favorite thing!
8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
2:00 PM - Looked out the window and barked! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
4:00 PM - Chased a bird out of the tree! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 PM - Watched my people eat! My favorite thing!
6:20 PM - Table scraps! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The
only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow
-- but at the top of the stairs.



I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches.

The dog continues to receive special privileges.
He is
regularly released and seems to be more than
willing
to return. He is obviously retarded.

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by melodiccolor on Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:12 pm

lol. Now that is obviously written by a dog person. Funny, but perpetuates false stereotypes of what cats are really like.

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default Re: jokes (lame, and otherwise)

Post by Reamsie on Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:12 pm

I don't know. I have a cat that looks at me like this is probably what he is thinking.

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